At Microsuck Canada, we're not here to put down Bill Gates (pfft as if) we're here to tell you that Bill Gates is a respectable man (haha i almost couldn't get through that), but seriously hes the first man in the world to name a bigillion dollar company after his own penis (Microsoft) .

Microsoft Purchases Evil From Satan

By Mac Tosh

Redmond, WA - Microsoft purchased evil from Satan for $2.7 billion after many months of tough negotiations.

"We've been after Satan for some time," said CEO Steve Ballmer. "Negotiations were tough, but I think both Microsoft and the Prince of Darkness are happy with this deal."

Microsoft already controls 15% of the evil market, and with this purchase that number nears 100%. The Department of Justice voiced concerns over one corporation controlling so much evil, and launched investigations.

"We feel that there are real opportunities with evil, and that when evil is integrated into our next generation of Windows products consumers will appreciate evil on their desktop," said Microsoft Chairman Bill Gates. "Businesses haven't been able to fully realize their evil potential. With evil integrated into Office XP, corporations big and small will begin to see enhanced evil productivity."

"Evil is a real growing market," market strategist Frank Dresgan of Merrill Lynch explained. "Microsoft is a little late in the game, but even when they enter a market late they still tend to dominate. I think we'll see the same results with evil."

"I've been dealing with Microsoft for some time," Lucifer said. "I've been at this evil thing for millions of years, and wanted a way out. I considered an IPO, but then Steve-O and Billy came along and told me about their 'Evil Everywhere' plan. I just couldn't refuse."

Evil was founded by Satan close to the beginning of time. It has been growing steadily ever since, although most of the growth has accelerated in the past five years with the development of the Internet. Satan plans to retire to a small island in the Bahamas and write a column for the local newspaper.

Microsuck Introduces Windex XP

by linne x

Redmond, Washington -- In New York City, the Empire State Building was made up to look like an enormous hand-soap dispenser. In Washington D.C. President Clinton gave up his nickname of ``Bubba'' in order to be called ``Bubble.'' The worldwide chain of ``Octopus'' carwashes was hired for an entire day just to give people free baths. All over the nation, hordes of eager bathers mobbed stores as the long-awaited release of one of the most highly anticipated cleaning products in history finally became reality. On August 29 at 12 midnight, the doors opened and convenience stores across the nation began to sell Microsuck ``Windex xp.''

``I've never seen anything like it,'' said Bowatu Kempler of ``Da Pope's Soaps (for the unwashed heathen in all of us)'' in Jacksonville, Fl. ``We had people camping outside the doors at 4 AM yesterday waiting for the doors to open. And you shoulda heard them...''

``It's Windex xp!!!'' shrieked a gleeful Elenora Minset as she snatched the last flat of glass cleaner from Mr. Kempler's shop. ``It's great! We'll bathe in it. We'll put the baby to sleep in it. Hell, we'll even feed the cat with it! It's Windex xp, and I LOVE IT!!!''

Said a spokesperson for Microsoap: ``Windex xp is special and unique because it has the ability to clean glass. It can also clean glass. Did we mention that it cleans glass? It's so much better than Windex. Because it cleans glass. Windex xp, that is. You need to upgrade now. The old stuff is blue. The new stuff is green. Oh yeah, and the new green stuff cleans glass. Windex maybe sorta cleans glass too, but you can use a Rag with Windex, whereas Windex xp requires a Rag-486DX with 8 MB RAM and a lint-coprocessor. Windex xp may not clean some types of glass as well as Windex, so we suggest you upgrade your hardware by buying the now industry-standard (as defined by Microsuck) circular windows and cubical drinking-glasses. We have a billion to advertise with that says you have to, so get with it!''

Meanwhile, proponents of a competing product have been wearing snide buttons proclaiming ``Windex XP = Soap And Water 3000BC'' This has failed to dampen the burgeoning enthusiasm for the most revolutionary cleaning product of all time. Sales also have not been hampered by the fact that each bottle of Windex XP carries a mini-spycam in the cap which constantly transmits to the Microsoap Ministry of Information. Each bottle also comes paired with a ``free'' rock, causing concerns with pet rock stores all over the world. At a store called, ``Hey, it's a rock, you can even do that with it!'' Luther Lemner complained, ``Everyone needs to clean their filthy, slimey, disgusting Windows, so they buy that Microsoap stuff. They get a `free' rock... But it's actually a lump of sod with a spy-camera in it. But then they think they have a rock, so they don't buy my fine rose quartz anymore. I'm going to go out of business. Everyone cleans their windows; this isn't fair.''

But it's too late to stay the flood; Windex XP is the soapware occurence of the century. I for one predict that Microsuck is really going to clean up with this one.